// Limiting beliefs , attachment styles & Deal with it Part 2.
Limiting beliefs, attachment styles & Deal with it.
You come to love not by finding the perfect person,
but by seeing an imperfect person perfectly”
Sam Keen
It’s Saturday - a day to reflect on the last week. It was an intense week, and a good one.
So, what has happened this week and why are limiting beliefs, Attachment styles and relationships so connected to each other? In my book, Deal With It, I follow the concept of cards – the cards of your life (Birth, Environment, Career, Relationship to Death) – are all connected to each other. You most likely think, “What has my birth to do with my current relationship issues?” Or, “What has death got to do with my life now?” Let me share a part of the book about birth.
---
Birth is the second that defines us — that sets us apart and on our own unique path — from 7.8 billion other individuals. If you think of birth, you think of your mom and dad holding you for the first time. It’s a clean slate, a blank canvas if you will, no scars of life, unmarked, ready to start. But is that actually the case?
What if I tell you we already have a set of cards laid out for us? We are already shaped by a lot of factors before we draw in our first gulp of air. Let me spoil the end of this chapter for you: birth is the only card you can’t change yourself. You are dealt this card. But you can learn from it and understand how it affects your other cards and life. It is scientifically proven that the way you are born has influence on a lot of factors. The research is very strong: there is more chance of having criminal behaviour or cognitive gaps, for example, if you are born with a c-section and weigh less than 2500 grams.
---
There is lot more to this, but not aligning the cards later in life does have an impact on everything else. There are, of course, people that have a perfect set of cards, but, even still, these cards have an impact on their lives. I had quoted a lot of limiting beliefs in myself which, if I am honest, I didn’t deal with very well.
It’s only recently that I really looked in the mirror – practice what you preach – and a few life events that shook me up. I have learned over the last months – and I can’t thank Emily, Laura and, let’s call it a place in Spain, enough – that I suffer from an Abandonment attachment style.
What is that? The dread of loneliness, which can be a phobia or a kind of anxiety, lies at the root of abandonment difficulties. These disorders can have an impact on your relationships and are frequently the result of a childhood bereavement. Environmental and medical variables, heredity, and brain chemistry are all elements that contribute to loss becoming an abandonment issue.
Early childhood experiences are the biggest contributor to developing abandonment issues when you become an adult. The traumatic event might include the loss of a parent by divorce or death or not getting enough physical or emotional care as a child. Emotional abandonment occurs when parents do the following:
· Do not allow their children to express themselves emotionally
· Mock their children
· Place excessive pressure on their children to be "perfect"
· Treat their children as if they were peers
When a parent or caregiver fails to provide their child with consistent warm or attentive interactions, the child experiences chronic stress and terror. The experiences that a youngster has during his or her development are typically carried over into adulthood. Therefore, abandonment difficulties grow more common as you get older and can have an impact on your relationships.
People who follow this style don’t allow anyone to get close to them. You may feel like you can’t open up to or trust others, making you appear distant, private or withdrawn. The funny thing is, if you don’t trust others, you also can’t be open to them and in my case that manifested in an extremely bad way. I, at this point, massively respect the woman that was with me through these times. It most likely trigged her anxious style and that triggered more anxiety in me. If only I had solved my life before... But you can’t live life in the past.
My attachment style has an impact on my relationships but also on work. That’s why it’s imperative to solve this. Last week I needed to balance between ex-employees, current employees, shareholders and a new VC firm who deals with things differently – let’s say they are French. ;-)
My attachment style also would work here, for instance:
· Why would I trust this person?
· Why would I give him / her more?
· How I can I treat everyone equally?
This was hard and before my “treatment” I would have done this differently. But now I have seen that everyone has their own beliefs and reasons. Maybe someone wants to have more rights now because they feel insecure also about the future. I never believed in myself enough to face these challenges and normally would have run a million miles. Not this time though. And it paid off.
The start of my last relationship also started with a limiting belief of myself. I am not worthy of this because I have “shit to do.” You can see this in all patterns in this relationship.
As an example, a small part of the book about relationships:
___
I finally send her a text message:
“At this time, I don’t think it is worth exploring this further. It is simply not the time in my life to do this.”
I press send on my iPhone and think on what just happened. After numerous attempts to meet her, virtually and in real life, there is something holding me back. This has triggered a big sense of “flakiness” with her – which turned out to be true, and our steaming text messages have cooled down a lot, so I don’t see a way to pursue this. Our messaging becomes silent for a few weeks. I don’t pay a lot of attention to it anymore. Then one day my phone vibrates. It’s a message from her and it’s brief.
“I am interviewing and wondering if you still want to have me interview you.”
I’m in shock and thrown off. After weeks of silence, I see this as a business request. It’s not. She is finally determined to meet up. I respond:
“Yes, I would love you to interview me.”
Six months later we ended up in Paris.
___
My limited beliefs withheld me from love. whilst this amazing woman wanted nothing more than to show me love.
So, what does this all mean?
I have lost the one love but got my beliefs back.
I have struggled tremendously on work, but pushed through. We are not at the phase where I wanted to be, but the email below from last Friday is still making me very proud.
___
“We are working on the model today and should have an answer Monday.
Can I ask for you to confirm the pre-money valuation, I have on the DDQ that it is £27,826,000 is this correct?
Thanks.“
___
It’s very impressive just 8 months from the start. We still need to convince a lot of people and we are far from there. But…
I was reluctant to show my cards to the world, but actually it has turned out for the best. It isn’t an easy ridefrom here - I know that for sure - but it is better than it was.
I was stupid, but I have learned. I am not perfect, but try to be 1% better every day.
__
The book has a release date in October – digital the 2nd – a special date , In the shops the 27th of October
We are presenting in the top hundreds of Fintech companies in the world. “The final step is presenting virtually at the Top 100 event in October.”
And, on a funny side, I am once again involved with people who work on AI in Aerospace. Life has its very funny way of showing you things.
I am currently proud of myself and everyone that pushed this through.
- more under the picture.
Whilst I look at the undergoing sun writing this blog .. I get a lump in my throat being at this place.
Next weekend I am going to face two places of the past.. . going alone will be different.
But there is a great power in embracing my vulnerability. It means letting go—letting go of failed relationships, failed projects, and anything in your past that felt like a failure. Until I embrace the beautiful moments in this Japanese restaurant memories at our beach club and focus on the present, happiness is just a myth. Remember: Vulnerability is a sign of strength, not weakness.
The week is for work.. the weekend for private..
Have a great Weekend.
Romano.